The Zionist Conspiracy

A clandestine undertaking on behalf of Israel, the Jets and the Jews.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
The Lipa Pinschutz Jewish Literacy Test

Following the unfortunate situation in Lakewood, Rabbi Lipa Pinschutz noted that "We have to learn to ask questions. When things are incongruous, when something seems suspicious, we must probe for an explanation. If things don’t add up, we must speak up. There is no shame in asking questions repeatedly."

Accordingly, Rabbi Pinschutz has designed the following test. A passing grade shall be required as a condition precedent to entry into a bona fide Orthodox Jewish community. (Note: the minimum grade for passing shall float based upon financial resources.)

1. Which high school did the Beastie Boys attend:

a. Stuyvesant
b. Abraham Lincoln
c. Chaim Berlin
d. MTA

2. Which hockey great demanded, prior to speaking with reporters at his locker, "all Jews must leave."

a. Rod Gilbert
b. Mike Bossy
c. Benjamin Rubin
d. both Gilbert and Bossy

3. Which New York Yankee demanded, prior to speaking with reporters at his locker, "all Jews get out."

a. Tino Martinez
b. Bucky Dent
c. Whitey Ford
d. Gregg Nettles

4. About which newspaper did numerous rabbinical authorities proclaim that it may not be read outside of the bathroom:

a. Yated Nee'man
b. The Algemeiner Journal
c. Mishpacha
d. The Jewish Press

5. Which musician is well known to have refused to perform at a concert until "all dogs and Jews get out."

a. Billy Joel
b. Lipa Schmeltzer
c. Britney Spears
d. Phil Collins

6. The Kennedy family has been cursed for generations by:

a. Rabbi Aharon Kotler
b. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein
c. Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik
d. Any of the above, depending on the minhag of one's family, on his or her father's side

7. Yeshiva study in lieu of military service by Israelis has been praised by none other than:

a. Yasser Arafat
b. George W. Bush
c. Michael Dukakis
d. Moshe Dayan

8. By the time he was three years old, the Vilna Gaon:

a. had finished shas
b. had put all chasidim into cherem
c. completed Calculus II
d. All of the above

9. Mendelssohn was:

a. the founder of the Reform movement
b. primarily responsible for the Enlightenment
c. a great composer and conductor, whose grandfather was a really bad guy
d. All of the above

10. Smoking Cigarettes is:

a. unhealthy and ill-advised
b. a violation of halacha
c. an acceptable vice, if in moderation
d. not mandatory, but, like night seder, strongly suggested for the serious yeshiva bachur

11. After meeting with the Chazon Ish, David Ben Gurion:

a. became a baal teshiva, and joined the Mir in time for the Elul z'man
b. remarked that he had been wrong about religion all along
c. marveled at the greatness of the Chazon Ish and lamented the emptiness of secular life
d. All of the above.

12. The children of which of the following are all Orthodox Jews learning in yeshiva or married to a kollel yungerman:

a. Teddy Kollek
b. Shulamit Aloni
c. Tommy Lapid
d. Alan Dershowitz